Masquerade or Mockery?

For the longest time Bollywood movies have been subject to mockery and criticism for its unrealistic fighting scenes or half baked romantic love stories that inevitably end in a happy union. Hero, with no prior training in martial arts when surrounded with guns and grenades can still beat up the bad guys with his bare hands. The bad guy learns his lesson and begs for forgiveness and the hero being an all merciful character acquits him. The following are rules bollywood follows when creating a plot. Enjoy!

1. Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow on different sides of the law. The law-breaker however will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the very end, kill the villain (who’s the actual bad guy) and be pardoned for all his sins before the last scene family reunion.

2. The number of heroes should equal the number of heroines. The excess heroes/heroines will either
a. Die
b. Join the red cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie

3. If there are two heroes in the movie they will fight each other savagely for five minutes- for no reason. Ten minutes if they are brothers.

4. The hero’s sister will usually marry the heroes’ best friend (i.e.: the second hero). Else, she would be raped by the villain in the first thirty minutes and commit suicide.

5. In a chase scene, the hero will always overtake the villain even if he’s on foot.

6. When the hero fires at the villain, he will never
a. Miss
b. Run out of bullets

7. Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of:
a. Pots
b. Barrels
c. Glass Bottles- which will be smashed into pieces.

8. Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by the
a. Brothers
b. Their blind mother ( who will regain her sight at the end of the movie)
c. Family dog/cat

WAIT THERE IS MORE…

Once the basic concept of an Indian movie is understood, one should also familiarize themselves with the unexpected hero stunts.

1. In a fighting scene the hero is confronted by three gangsters but unfortunately has only one bullet left in his gun, guess what happens?

a. Answer: He throws his knife at the middle gangster then shoots. The bullet splits into two and kills the other two gangsters while the knife stabs the gangster in the middle.

2. Scenario 2: Hero has an unloaded gun with no bullets and is chased by the villain. What can he do?

a. Answer: Wait for the villain to shoot then catches the bullet… puts it in the bullet compartment then shoots… Bang! Viallian dies.

3. Last Scenario: The hero and the gangster are separated by a high wall. The hero has to desperately kill the gangster because it’s the climax but he has two guns but only one bullet. How can he kill him?

a. Answer: He throws one gun in the air and when the gun is at the perfect angle facing the gangster, he shoots the trigger of the first gun and miraculously it fires killing the villain.